Saturday, June 25, 2011

Usher It Right Out The Door - Trust Me On This

Friday was an ugly day. It was one of those kind of days. You know, the ones that creep up every once in a while where nothing goes well and everything you touch goes to hell in a hand-basket. Yep, one of THOSE kinds of days.

By 9:30 I had had enough of Friday, opted for a long hot bath, followed by a movie.

I went through the DVD collection and picked out three that I had purchased from a Hollywood Video that had gone out of business. Horror/scary genre, of course, and none of which I had seen before.

I decided on The House Of Usher (2006). After all, it was an adaptation of Poe's Fall Of The House Of Usher. Surely it would have some redeeming properties?

I should have cashed it all in within the first 5 minutes.

The movie began and here is our main character Jill (Izabella Miko) in what I believe to be present day. Next second the scene changes and we see Jill again in another setting. Then back to where we came from. Then again we jump somewhere else. Then I think we went back again. Within 5 minutes I wasn't sure if we had flashed forward, backward or sideways.

Then the opening credits began to roll.

Let me boil this whole thing down for you...

Jill can't get back into the dating game because she still has feelings for Rick Usher (Austin Nichols).

Rick and his twin sister Maddy (Danielle McCarthy) were best friends with Jill in college but abruptly left with no explanation.

Three years later (present day) Rick calls Jill to tell her Maddy has died and asks her to come for the funeral.

Jill goes to funeral which is held at the Usher mansion family plot.

Rick explains to Jill that Maddy died of the dreaded family disease and that he is also ill.

Scary caretaker Mrs. Thatcher (Beth Grant) expresses her dislike of Jill and tells her to leave.

Rick and Jill fall back into love. (Ahhhhhhhhh - isn't that precious?!)

They swap spit badly. (Honestly that has to be some of the worst on screen kissing that I've ever seen.)

Mrs. Thatcher oversees Ricks medication.

Jill runs around in her underwear a lot.

You catch glimpses (barely) of someone else hanging around.

Jill finally decides she should leave, for no particular reason.

Rick begs her stay. All of the sudden he is dying and he needs her. (Men!)

Jill finds herself with child. (Well surprise, surprise!)

Now this is almost the entire film. The next part I should probably list as Spoiler Alert but the only thing spoiled is my brain after watching this film.

Now, where was I? Ahhhh, yes, the last 20 minutes...

It happened in the library - because she didn't use birth control. (Apparently there is a moral here somewhere.)

Jill notices the family pictures and this tree does not fork.

The parents give birth to twins who mate and give birth to twins. (Rinse, repeat....)

Now the ending....

Mrs. Thatcher, who's been with the family 30 years, finally decides to make her move and end this abomination by attempting to kill Rick. She fails but sticks around long enough to see Jill find that Maddy is not actually dead. (Gasp!) Maddy has been sent up to the attic because she refused to play the family mating game and has gone mad.

Mrs. Thatcher throws herself out a window and dies.

Maddy and Rick die in each others arms.

Flash forward to Jill getting a sonogram and we see twin fetus' kissing in the womb.
Sweet Molly in a manger!
I've never seen so much bad acting coupled with bad editing/directing/writing. Next time my day is going to hell I will not pick out a movie without first checking the reviews.
BTW - does anyone want a copy of The House Of Usher? I've got one that I'm willing to part with.
Haunt on!


  1. I remember that movie....I agree, it was a dud!

  2. Are you sure you don't want to give it another run-through LuLu? I mean, just to be sure it was a dud. I've got a copy here that needs a new home. :D

  3. Holy crap. What utter crap. WOW am I glad I NEVER have to see this movie. Thanks to your warning, I'll never accidentally expose my family to it, thinking it might be fun or good or even decent. Whew!

  4. Well it sounds like I've done my job here Mike! I would really hate for anyone to suffer the way that I have suffered.

    But on the off chance anyone likes crap cinema my copy of this DVD is still available.

    Anyone. Anyone...Bueller...

  5. You made my evening...I was literally laughing so loud I woke up my cats....the ones that could sleep through an earthquake.

    You are the goddess I worship!!!

    You had me running with Nicolas Cage...I think I am on the only person on the planet that say "WTF?" every single time I see him.



Blog Widget by LinkWithin