Zombie Preparedness

I take emergencies seriously. For example, I live in tornado alley. When the sirens go off and I'm in the checkout line at the grocery store, and everyone starts heading for cover, I demand they finish processing my purchase.

If I'm at home and the sirens go off I promptly send kiddos and dogs to the basement, turn on the radio and step outside to see if I can spot the tornado. I learned this from my parents who didn't bother sending us to the basement. We all traipsed outside to see what was going on with the weather.

I was spending a little down time on Zombie Research Society's Blog and I took heed of their advice to get prepared for a zombie attack. They linked me up to the CDC who provided a number of steps I should take in the event of just such an outbreak.

Having nothing more pressing on my plate I figured I should arm myself for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse and proceeded to follow the steps. I gathered all the materials they suggested, understanding that most of these would also be beneficial should we be struck by a tornado, earthquake or hurricane. The latter two are unlikely as I'm in Kansas.

Then I moved on to the Emergency Plan. First the CDC recommends that I identify the types of potential emergencies that could be possible for my area. They instructed me that if I had any questions regarding local emergencies that I should contact my Red Cross chapter. Hmmm, okay.

I called the Red Cross and asked for their Zombie Outbreak division. The nice lady on the phone seemed a bit baffled by my request. I explained that I was simply trying to prepare for any and all disasters that could potentially affect me and my family. She asked me to spell my request (Z-O-M-B-I-E-S), promptly put me on hold and left me there for 20 minutes. Eventually a gentleman came on the line and gave me another number to call. Great! We're making progress.

I dialed the number and got a recorded message for the Suicide Prevention Hotline asking me to please hold and someone would be with me right away. After 45 minutes I hung up as I was getting the urge to slit my wrists.

Having no luck with the Red Cross I skipped a couple of steps ahead and started on my Emergency Contact list. They suggested that I list the Police and Fire Departments as well as my local Zombie Response Team.

I wasn't quite sure where to locate my local Zombie Response Team so I pulled out the phone book and flipped to the Yellow Pages. W, X, Y ahhhhhh Z! Zip codes, zoos...wait....that's it?! No zombies? Perhaps it's under city departments? County? Government? I finally decided that City Hall could hook me up so I gave them a quick call.

After speaking with several people, and repeating my request more times than I can count, I'm finally getting somewhere. They seem to know something about zombies that I don't as they mentioned straight jacket and shackles - but they are dispatching an officer out to my location right away. Good. It's about damn time! I hope he can point me in the right direction.

Haunt on!